What you all don’t know is that I haven’t written anything on here in weeks. I had a ton of back log that I scheduled to post but I have officially run out.

Now it isn’t like I don’t have things to write about, my notes app on my phone has been getting USED. It has just been hard to actually sit down and put “pen to paper”. I will blame most of that on being sick for the last two weeks, and it sure got me down bad.

I don’t know what I exactly have to say today. I have what feels like a thousand topics I can talk about so think the issue is more where to start. I also have finished like 10 books since my last book related post. I don’t think I will talk about each of them though. I feel like I need to be more selective about which ones I write about now. Mostly because I am reading so many and will tire myself out from all the summaries/reviews.

Sometimes (as in all the time) when I am writing more about myself, I get nervous that I start way too many sentences with ‘I’ statements. I try to mix it up since I feel self conscious about it but also I wouldn’t know how to actually do that.
I said ‘I’ six times in that last paragraph…

When I think about it, it feels like it would be the word I use most. Now I am not a lunatic to go through and count, but just having been the person to have typed all this shit out, it only makes sense that I could be the judge of that.

Recently, I visited my family. This was the first time that I was about to see everyone in at least a year, it feels longer though and I have no actual motivation to figure out when that actually was. It was nice to see everyone but also hard. They all know what I have been going though. So when they ask how I am doing, I cry.

I read several of my posts aloud to my family on Christmas Day. It was such a terrifying thing to do, especially when it was my more emotional posts. I made them laugh but I also made them cry. I guess I was really able to express my pain through my words.

For the first time since writing my initial heartbreak post, I read it aloud. It was so hard to get through, that pain is still so real two months later.

I talked about him a lot last night and then I dreamed of him all night. It was a horrible thing to wake up to.

If I really wanted to, I could meet another one of his ‘victims’ but it scares me to hear what he put them through as well. I hate that other hurt in the same way as I do, hopefully they are over it by now and better off than I am.

Sometimes I get so angry about what he did, but I always come back to thinking about how much I miss him.

I made a lot of my previous posts private. I got scared that I was putting such raw and emotional things about myself for people to read. I told this some of my family and read those posts to them. My mom said, “but it’s beautiful Blair.”

I can’t imagine my stupid poems being beautiful. I feel embarrassed by them, but I think it comes back to the raw emotions that made me write those things.

Honestly, if you really want to read them, just ask. I’ll give out those passwords, but they are possible to guess if you try hard enough.

I cried on New Years.

I was sitting in my dad’s new kitchen, I knew I was going to cry but I was trying to hold it back.

My dad and his wife were dancing to music she put on. After they had their moment to celebrate the new year, he came to give me a hug and I broke down.

I cried on New Years.

It wasn’t just about the boy, but I cannot deny that it was mostly about the boy. It was a rough year.

I moved away from the world and people I knew. But I was introduced to a new world and new people. He wasn’t the only one that came into my life, but he was the biggest.

I cried on New Years.

As we say every year, here is to 2026. May it be better than the last.