I have always wanted to be something, but what do I think that is?
I feel like to me, that means people know me, but so many people already do.

When I am thinking about all this though, I mean in a way that others who are strangers to me know who I am. It feels like it comes back to wanting to not be forgotten. If enough people know of me and who I am, then I cannot be forgotten.

When I think of wanting to be something, I think of it in a creative way. I have never considered myself much of an intellectual or book smart.

I have always wanted to create, not just crafts like crocheting, cross stitching, and book binding. I want to create in a way that can make people feel.

I want to create something people will read by writing a short story or novel that thousands see.
I want to create something people will look at in my photography that can give them an explosions of emotions in their body.
I want to create something people will listen to with music that will make them feel what I have to say in their heart when it is sad and fuzzy in their head when it is happy.

When these things come to my head I don’t really think about doing it for the money or attention, although I can’t say those things wouldn’t be horrible- the money at least.
I just want to reach others. I know that when I am sad and heartbroken and alone, I am not the only one feeling these things. I know when I am happy and buzzy and alive, I am not the only one feeling it.
I just want to create something that others can feel and resonate with.

Now, what is stopping me? Mostly myself. I don’t feel like I have the skills for any of these things but don’t have the drive to work on improving myself in these areas.

Although, right now, I am here. I started this blog to write about the books I was reading. There have been times that I haven’t enjoyed writing about some of the books I have read. Sometimes that is because I didn’t like the book at all and sometimes it is because it was just too boring or even too good that I didn’t feel like I could correctly articulate how it made me feel.
I have started writing more personal things since being dumped. It has been nice to get those strong feelings out, whether in the form of a word vomit or a dumb poem. There is a nice release that comes with that.
I have also started writing more about myself in general, like right now. I am more than the books I read, movies I watch, music I listen to, and the emotions I feel about this boy.
I feel joy in dancing, peace in crafting, motivation in photography, inspiration in some of the media I consume. These are things I want to talk about more, even if it is just me shouting in the void with two or three people reading it.

In the end I feel like the definition of poet, author, artist, musician are quite subjective. Can’t someone be any of these things no matter how many times other run across their work? Or is the definition specific to those who get paid for what they have created?

If someone writes poetry or novels doesn’t that make them those things because they now exist when they previously didn’t?
No matter how ugly or beautiful the painting or photo is, can the person consider themselves an artist or photographer?
Any piece of music created whether instrumental or vocally, would that person be considered a musician even if no one else has heard their work?
Even in the discourse towards others identifying themselves as such, in the end, they were the originator to that piece being created. Without them that thing wouldn’t exist.

Still looking at this and writing about it doesn’t change how I feel about myself. I still feel like no matter how much I create, I won’t be that thing unless I am known.

Now, even though I never believe I will actually be known in that way, I still will create. I will still write, take photos, make music (eventually I will actually try this). Because in the end, I do it for myself and the enjoyment I feel in the craft.

Maybe I would do better if I was able to keep a single line of consciousness as I write or I reread everything I wrote and fix it so I wouldn’t sound like an 18 year old. But I am too lazy for that and like whatever, three people will read this and I am going nowhere in life lol.

Sometimes I try and be poetic but I feel like it comes across as pathetic. Sometimes I reread what I write and cringe at how hard I was trying. I also judge my emotions that lead me to put those words to paper. To me, anything I say is trivial and unimportant and that there is so much worse going on in the world so I should actually just shut the fuck up.